Why holding onto the past is hurting your future

Having our trust broken by someone close to us is a fact of life – it’s going to happen whether it be from a romantic partner, close friend or family member, someone in your life has done something to betray your trust. Being hurt is a normal part of adulthood and life experiences we all need to face, but it’s what we choose to do with that pain that separates the realists from the masochists.

You can choose to dust yourself off, take that pain as a lesson and move on with life, or hold onto the pain and hurt that will feed on that negative energy until it’s all you can give to the world around you. If you’re constantly dwelling in past pain, it will become your present pain – but it doesn’t have to be like that.

Yes, whatever you’ve been through was shitty and that person hurt you to the very core, but by taking all of that on while they live their life unbothered, you are still giving them power over your life. You’re offering up the control of your emotions to someone who may not even be present in your life anymore! What we give our attention and energy to ultimately comes back to us, so if we are thinking of hurt and pain we will always feel this way. It’s when we make a conscious decision to change is where deep feelings come to the surface and are hard to face, but eventually dissipate with loving kindness.

Moving on is the right thing to do, you know that – but for many it can be a paralysing feeling trying to get over past pain. We are attached to resentment and it’s the main reason for suffering, so how can you untangle yourself from the web of hurt? If you had a friend in your position you’d know just what to say, but it’s harder to tell ourselves the hard truths and go through with actionable change.

You’re looking back on past pain and it impacts your future, much like driving a car. We can only look at the rear-view mirror momentarily or we can’t see what’s in front of us. If you're feeling stuck in this constant cycle of trying to get rid of the pain and finding yourself in a spiral of hurt and resentment, there are a few steps to help let go:

Remove the roadblocks

Ignoring or denying the past won’t make the pain go away, it’s time to remove the blockages you’ve put in front of the hurt to truly get through to the healing stages. Your feelings of anger, pain, resentment and betrayal can exist, just give yourself permission to feel them rather than sweep them under the rug. If you keep doing that and the rug gets so big you’d end up tripping and hurting yourself! Not every situation is black and white, so you need to think about blame and why it shouldn’t always be placed on the other person, which leads to my next point…

Face yourself

Are you a helpless victim in your own life or are you the hero who saves your day? Taking a mature approach to the past situation means accepting you may have had some role in it, life doesn’t just ‘happen’ to us. Think about how you reacted at the time (if at all), what your behaviours were like and what you would do differently now that you have reflected. Your life is your responsibility not anyone else's so it’s time to get on board with you as the main character, not the victim.

Make it cathartic

Now that you’ve come to terms with your feelings and what you can do better, it’s time to air them out! Make a plan to remove the pain from within your heart and mind, doing this can help bring on a cathartic experience which ultimately cleanses and detoxes the system of these particularly negative feelings. Whether it’s verbally airing things out to the person who hurt you and experiencing closure, writing it down in a letter and burning it, or speaking with a friend or life coach (like myself) can help take a huge weight off your chest, literally!

Create lasting habits

You’re never going to be perfect when it comes to letting go of the past, these things happen over time and with healthy habits. Taking the healing process one day at a time, rather than expecting overnight results, will help you in the long run and give you the strength to know how to handle situations that arise. The aim is to have more good days than bad days, and one way to stay on top of that is to catch yourself when you’re thinking and dwelling on the hurt – stop yourself in your tracks and actively do something that distracts you and makes you feel better.

Whether you need to engage in your self care routine, start to think about your future and how to manifest what’s coming next, or just put on some music to brighten the day, there’s always a way to snap out of those dwelling spirals before they begin. Changing your mindset is a slow but rewarding way to experience more gratitude in life, see things on a brighter side and have a more fulfilling journey every day. There are opportunities for growth and learning all around us, you just have to see it through a new lens.