A step by step guide for what to do if you discover your partner is cheating
Cheating is one of the worst things we can face in relationships, and if it has unfortunately happened to you, you must know it isn’t your fault. As a huge violation of trust, it can be hard to figure out what to do next after you find out you’ve been cheated on, hopefully with this step by step guide you can find your peace a lot sooner.
1. What are your immediate needs?
You’re basically a mess because you just found out your partner is cheating, what you firstly need to figure out is where you’re sleeping tonight (if you live together). Contact a friend or family member that can help you and perhaps pack a bag for the week to give you some space. It’s much harder to put a pause on life when your relationship is intertwined, especially if kids or pets are involved.
2. Look at your coping mechanisms
Before you drown your sorrows in cheap wine, think of the next week and what your plan is here; set your mind to seek positive coping mechanisms rather than destructive ones. Get plenty of sleep, fresh air and sunlight, exercise and do things that make you feel relaxed; try taking a bath, meditating and practicing mindfulness, or take up a yoga class – apps like Calm or Headspace help with immediate relaxation.
3. Talk to your partner
Communication with your partner is dependant on how you found out about the cheating, so whether you take up a screaming match or try to be civilised in front of your kids, think about how and when you want to talk to them. Think of somewhere you know you’ll be more calm, such as the dinner table, in a therapist’s office or public place, try to be in a reasonable mind if you can, remember you need to do this to figure out the next steps.
4. Who’s in your corner?
There’s no emotional support at the bottom of a bottle or sex with a stranger! Seek out people that you trust like close friends and family who can pull you out of the darkness. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed of the cheating, but be careful not to talk about your partner with anger as it can come back to bite you later.
5. Revenge isn’t the answer
When we do things out of anger we often regret them down the track; before acting out or wanting to emotionally ‘get back’ at your partner, take a moment to breathe and come back to reality. Is the irreversible damage you’re about to cause worth it a few moments of satisfaction? Steer clear from social media during this time, don’t vent online about your partner cheating – Instagram stories may run for 24 hours but screenshots are forever!
6. What’s their story?
Right now is a crucial time for you both, and you need to really listen to what they’re saying; are they sorry for the cheating or sorry they were caught? In some way, they could have been looking for a way out of the relationship, or they wanted to get your attention and really work it out with you! Whatever their motives, don’t let them rush you into making decisions – it’s your choice to leave the issue behind or the relationship behind.
7. Keep your emotions in check
There’ll be new emotions you’ve never had before but they are fleeting and won’t last forever – accept how you feel, observe your emotions, and wait for them to pass. Use your rationale, not emotion to make decisions. Write a list to make things clearer in your mind, seek friends or a professional for help, and try to acknowledge how you feel rather than bury them.
8. What’s next?
Do you think you can give your partner a second chance or was the cheating a deal breaker and you can easily cut ties with them? It’s much more complicated to cut a relationship loose if kids, homes or assets are involved. If you feel like you can’t be with them anymore, you need to follow your heart and instincts. If you want to attempt to rebuild, be ready to put in work with your partner, and work on yourself too.
Give yourself the opportunity to feel the hurt, it is okay to be in a bad state sometimes, but don’t dwell on it either. Repair yourself, remind yourself you are loved and take care of yourself emotionally, mentally and physically. Talk to Dr. Lurve if you feel overwhelmed, need guidance on your relationship, or simply need to vent. Life will throw you curveballs sometimes, it’s about how resilient we are and open to growth that helps us get through it.