Episode #3: Chronic People Pleasers
Well, hello everyone, it's Dr. Lurve. And so today I thought I would come on and have a chat about chronic people pleasers. Yes, you know who you are. It's the ones that often say yes, when you really don't want to. And you find yourself in this position of doing so much for everyone else and neglecting your own needs.
So let's have a think about this. Why is this important in relationships? Well, let's get through the rest of the episode and by the end of it you'll realize why it's so important to be able to identify if you're actually a people pleaser.
So women are normally the culprits when it comes to people pleasing. And I guess it's due to our vulnerability and our emotional nature. We usually take things to heart and we think about conflicts a lot more than our counterparts, the men, do.
And what I've found generally is that people pleasers are normally a result of someone who has had an emotionally malnutritioned childhood, so someone that hasn't had their emotional needs met. And this is quite common and this happens from a very young age, and it could have been something they learned through their family upbringing.
But what it is, is that person would have felt like they always put an effort in, but it never seemed to be enough to receive praise for their effort. So they were never acknowledged, it was never noticed what they did do, what effort they did put in. So what happens is that as they've grown up and now as adults, they're trying to compensate for that missing praise and acknowledgement that they thought their parents, or their partners, or their friends, family, bosses, colleagues, whatever significant relationship they have, they're finding that they're actually trying to fill that void now as adults. So over time, this really affects a person's self esteem and it gives way to doubts of yourself, yourself affect, so how you feel about yourself. And it really does give you a lack of confidence.
And so when you have a lack of confidence, you're obviously reaching externally to try and fill yourself up and make you feel good. And that's what people pleasers do. You feel a sense of purpose and accomplishment when you have successfully won over someone or someone's attention. But unfortunately it's not achieved by being who you are. So you have actually gone out and put your needs aside and become someone else, just to be acknowledged by someone significant to you, so that you're filling up.
Now I hope this is all making sense, but I think what we need to recognize is how do you know if you're a people pleaser? What are the indications? What do I need? What are the things stand out for me when someone comes and talks to me about their relationships? Not necessarily just intimate relationships but any relationship. It could be a relationship with a parent, a sibling, a friend and what is it that stands out for me when I notice they are definitely people pleasing and putting their needs aside?
So what I did after much research and after reflection on a lot of the people that had come across my way, I've really come up with some ways to identify this and to work out if this is you. So I've got these seven signs that might help you decide if you're a people pleaser and if you need to overcome these traits and start becoming really who you are. Finding the confidence to be yourself again.
So the first one I've noticed is that people pleasers tend to apologize a lot. So you apologize way too often. So while being able to say sorry when you've done something wrong is really good for any type of relationship, apologizing for small things, or something you didn't do can be really detrimental to your relationships. And although it seems cute and it might appear friendly, saying sorry too often becomes not only annoying, well it's annoying, rather than admirable. And I think you need to think about why is it you're saying sorry too much? Is it that you fear others will blame you and then not like you? Or do you lack confidence in yourself? Do you believe everything you do is wrong? Or is it all of the above?
And these are the things I see quite a lot in some of the women that turn up and ask for some help around relationships. And I think what we need to think is, are you apologizing for being you? And if the relationship you're in makes you feel like you are inadequate or you need to change who you are to be there, it's probably the wrong relationship. You really need to be yourself and the right people will start to gravitate towards you.
So I think it's time to let go of the mindset around, "I'm not good enough". Because if you show up how you should, as yourself, you'll find the people that love you for who you are will stick around. So that's probably the first thing.
The second thing I notice is they are really a yes person. And whether you're with your partner at work or hanging out with friends, you're always the yes person. You are the person that says yes. You say, "I can't help it. I just can't say no. I feel bad. I feel guilty". Whatever it is. But unfortunately, the fact is you can't say no because you can't speak up for yourself. Sure. You would be, there would be tasks that you genuinely enjoy by saying yes, but most of the time you're saying yes to the things that you don't actually want to do. And if you find yourself saying yes too often without giving yourself some energy or some time to do the tasks that you want to complete, you'll never be able to reach your own goals and you'll never feel satisfied in in life, I guess.
So it's great to feel useful and it's great to feel like people need you, but just remember that your ambitions also need to be a priority. They also need to be at number one. So give yourself a break. Try saying no to a lot of the small things first and gradually you'll get better. It's like learning to ride a bike. And then, you know, the guilt and the shame that you have associated to saying no, it might be a little bit deeper than that, but let's just start with something small. You're not going to run five Ks straight away. You're going to teach yourself to get there. So let's do some training to get you to a point where you can say no and feel good about it, without feeling like you're offending people or people aren't going to like you.
The third one is that you agree with everyone. So while you're out in social settings and you're in situations, and you might have debates and conversations that might get heated. Most people will politely nod or voice their opinion during a conversation, but what you find is that if you're a people pleaser, you tend to just agree with the popular view. And even if it's a conflict of your own belief, you will still agree. So that internal pressure going on is, "I'm just saying yes, but I really don't believe it".
So in a relationship, if you blindly agree with your partner, when your values aren't on par, you start to really lose a part of your authenticity and that grit. So in the case that similar conversations arise again, your voice and your true opinion, your integrity becomes compromised and starts to unravel. You start to lose yourself.
You know, in the first instance, simply voice your real feelings and maybe stick to them. You won't be able to forget what you feel is your truth. Unfortunately, what happens, we walk away from situations like that, where we're agreeing and it doesn't feel good and the feeling lingers for longer than it needs to. It sits in our belly and there's sort of, this feeling of unrest or guilt or lack of integrity about agreeing with something that we don't internally agree with.
So I would suggest let's start small again and just stick to your truth. It may not be the consensus, but it is for you, for your internal mind and your body, concurrently in the same wavelength.
The fourth thing is you can't stand conflict. So obviously being in conflict isn't fun for anyone. And while most of us agree to disagree, people pleasers simply can't deal with others being angry at them. And look, no one likes people that they care about to be upset with them, but this is a constant theme through their life. They need to resolve the issue by any means necessary. And they will go out of their way to make sure this person is no longer upset with them because they have this almost pathological need to be liked and accepted.
So when you're in a disagreement with your partner, you suddenly find yourself caving in because you want to avoid further conflict. Now, in relationships, it's okay for someone to reach out and there's always one partner that sort of softens the conflict and that's okay. But relationships are about balance and compromise. And if you're always the first one to give in, or rescue, or soften, or compromise, it's probably time you have a conversation and stand up to your partner. And it doesn't need to be another conflict, but have a chat about how that is affecting you. Because in conflict it doesn't need to stay in relationships for a long time. Eventually things get patched up and you get over it, you forgive each other. You have those conversations, but your integrity still stays intact. So it's important for you to feel like you've got a voice in that relationship.
And I guess, number five, the thing that comes up as well, is that who you're with determines who you are. So I don't know if you understand that, but it's like you've got different versions of yourself, right? And that's normal. We can go into like different social settings and we can sort of be different. We won't act the same way with our mother in law as we would with our girlfriends. And that's okay. That's quite normal. It's us being a transparent, translucent. We're being flexible with who we are and the people around us.
But people pleasers have a whole personality that seems to change because they want to be well liked within this group or this social setting. So by changing who you are, it can actually become very difficult to keep track of each of your personalities or each person you become in those social settings. And what actually happens is that it feels like you're forever playing this game of catch up. And ultimately what happens is that you get caught out and people think, "You know what? There's something about him or her that doesn't sit right with me and I've seen them in this place and this place and they're two different people". And what you'll find is people will start to drop off and you won't have those connections that you're longing for. Because this is why you're doing this, right? You're doing this because you want a connection with somebody. But what tends to happen is that when you come undone, people tend to move away from you.
Being yourself is really important. You are more natural in a social environment and you begin to attract the people who like the real you and that's easier. It's so easy to be who you are in every social setting. You may make adjustments depending on where you are. You'll be rowdy with the girls and you'll be a little bit more conservative where your grandma. And that's okay, but be yourself. It's a lot easier to manage than all those other personalities.
Another thing is, I guess this is the sixth thing is F-O-M-O, so Fear Of Missing Out. And everyone sort of wants to be where the it thing is happening, right? But when you're a people pleaser and you've got this fear of missing out and feeling like you need to be there all the time. And it might be you're just unavailable or you've already made plans and most people take it in their stride to just move on and that's okay, "I just can't make it".
But when you're a people pleaser and you're really relying on other people to make you feel better, you just can't shake it off that you actually weren't there. So you're at work with friends or at another event, but yet you're constantly thinking about what you're missing out on with your girlfriends that have gone out for a weekend away and you couldn't make it. The people pleasers get anxious when they aren't on those personal journeys with other people or the personal jokes that they're missing out on. They want to be in the know and understand when someone tells a funny story, they want to know everything.
And so when you are suffering from a major fear of missing out, you really need to come to terms with the fact that you can't be everywhere. Let go of what you miss out on and be present in the place that you're actually in. You decided to make that plan. You decided to attend that work function. If you're not present and enjoying the function you're at now, you're going to leave feeling discontent, unfulfilled feeling like you probably shouldn't have went. And that was because you actually weren't present with the people there, with the interactions. And your mind was, "Oh my God, I want to be there with the girls". So how about we just take a step back and be really grateful and present in the place we're in right now?
And I guess the last thing is that you always do more for others than you do for yourself. And this can be often confused with being generous. But the difference with generous people is that they don't seek anything in return. But people pleasers are seeking approval and social acceptance. So that is the main difference.
So what happens? They're constantly offering themselves up to run errands, drive and clean for people, pay for things. It might be that, rather than sharing the load with your partner or your friend, you take the responsibility and say, "No, I'll do that". Look, by offering things and offering your position around hard tasks and collaborating, that is okay. But when it becomes part of how you see yourself and then they don't return the favor because they know you'll just go and do it regardless, it becomes like almost slavery, like you're a slave to that interaction in that relationship.
Therefore you really need to start to acknowledge your part in giving, right? How is it that you're actually contributing to this self perpetuating nature of, "I'll give you to get something back". If you want to be generous, go for it. But when you're doing stuff to get something back, it's almost like prostitution, right? It's like emotional prostitution, is that, "I will give you something, but you give me something back". That's not generous. That's not generous at all.
So I would say if you want to move the people pleasing into generosity, be careful what you're asking for in return for your actions because that's going to determine how you feel after you do something for someone. And I think what what we need to do is free ourselves from people pleasing and understand why you simply can't please everyone. And trying to achieve this is not going to only make you suffer. It's only going to make you feel disconnected by everyone you're trying to connect with. It's actually doing the exact opposite of what you want.
So being able to please everyone all the time, you will forget about the most important person you need to please. And at the end of the day, that's yourself. You will become resentful with life and the people around you, when you are forever trying to please them and you forget about yourself in the process.
And look, I know it can be scary because in the beginning to care less about what people think of you and blossom into who you truly are is really different. You've never been able to do that. But by doing this, you are only going to attract people who see and appreciate you as a whole person.
Why do you think this is important in relationships? Well, why wouldn't it be? Imagine you're turning up to your relationships, not really who you are. That person eventually will fall in love with either someone they don't know and something that you can't sustain for a long time. All they will not fall in love with you because they see a discrepancy. They can feel that there's something going on with integrity and how you're showing up.
So you can definitely refuse to be a doormat and the yes person in your relationships in life. And you can definitely strengthen that backbone of yours by silently and by slowly communicating with others that you really have a say about how you feel and that you deserve the respect that you need, so that your goals also in life can be met. Right?
So I'm going to say be your most natural, beautiful you. And if you finally stop being the yes person for others and start saying yes for yourself, you might just start to see life a little bit differently.
So for today, I would like for you guys to walk away from this and have a think about if you are a people pleaser, or do you find yourself in positions of saying yes when you don't want to. And have a think, is that being integral to who you are? And is there another option? Can you say no? Or can you say yes, but these are my conditions and these are my boundaries? And I invite you to start being the best you that you can be.
This is Dr. Lurve. Thanks guys!