Module 5
Lesson 3 – Common Dating Mistakes!
1 - Over-Connectedness: Women are genetically inclined to want to spend a lot of time with their man and there is nothing wrong with that. Chemically, we gain our energy and oxytocin from the time and connection we get when we spend time with them. The thing is… men don’t! If you are making the mistake of always needing to stay connected, it might be letting you down. If you have worked on having a strong emotional connection, the space you need to give him will have him miss you. You need to realise that if you have a strong emotional connection to him, he will miss you when you are not around.
- Sometimes the reason why women become so needy of their partner’s time is because there isn’t a strong connection. Somewhere deep inside, you know he will not miss you. You must get the strong connection part right for any relationship to work, otherwise you will struggle to fulfil his need for space and distance.
- Women find distancing hard; some take it personally and others take it as a form of rejection. When the connection is strong these insecurities go out the window!
What to do?
- A woman’s automatic reaction when a man pulls away, is to move towards him. To ask if he is okay or to find out what is ‘wrong.’ This automatic response is not helpful, so when you are starting to feel like this make a conscious decision to give him some more space. It’s like when you go fishing, the fish bites your bait and you let the line out a little, you give the fish a free run before you bring them in. The difference is, you won’t need to bring him back in; by giving him the space he needs he will find his own way back, he will be drawn back to you!
- This is not game playing; all relationships go through points of shallow and deeper waters. These tides are important to the relationship, it’s the time where the relationship either swims or drowns.
- Use distancing with the mirroring tips above to improve your relationship. Always mirror his level of interest in you and if he is busy don’t sit around waiting for him, make yourself busy too. When he pulls away, you pull away. When he comes back, don’t punish him but enjoy being with him.
- Don’t allow the distancing and space rule be the reason why he treats you badly. It’s not an excuse for him to come and go as he pleases or when it suits him. Create your boundaries and don’t let him take you for a ride because you’ve given him space.
- Create a balance. Create enough space but don’t pull too far away that he falls away.
- Remember he won’t always come back, that’s when you let him go. Don’t hang on to someone that doesn’t want to be there. It might not feel good, but it would feel worse if he did come back and didn’t want to be there.
2 - The limbic brain response
- We spoke about being positive in your language and your associations. Be careful not to create a negative one. The last thing you want is to create a negative association when he thinks of you!
- The limbic brain is the two-year-old brain, the part of our mind that has tantrums when we don’t get what we want. It is also the part of the brain that wants attention even if it’s negative or positive it doesn’t matter, any type of attention is a connection, it’s better than no response.
- This is when we can see a woman’s insecurities come out to play. You call, text, need reassurance he likes you and the list goes on; this is the key ingredient to pushing him away.
- Women can have tantrums about giving a man space by getting angry and resentful. This just pushes him further away and instead of understanding how a man needs space, you punish him for it.
- You are trying to avoid a negative association. These little things you react to can end up creating a negative emotional attachment to you – you don’t want that! Remember, you want him to think of you and associate happy feelings to negative ones.
- Remember the secret to keeping your man is for him to know he makes you happy.
- The best way to understand your partner and for them to understand you is to be clear on how you both want to receive love. Often, we show people love the way we want to receive it but that not their love language. You need to get curious about each other early in the relationship, so you know what makes each other happy. These are an incredible keys to better communication and love in relationships.
3 – Power of Communication – U & I Language
Asking for what you want doesn’t make you needy, it makes you human and communicating your needs will make all the difference in your relationships. However, we get this wrong most of the time and it’s not what you say, but how you say it!
Blame has long been a relationship’s breaker, when you blame you relinquish control of the outcome. You also relinquish your ability to have a voice. Blaming never changes behaviour, however expressing how you feel in a way that he can hear you will.
4 - U and I Language
Blame often mean using the word ‘you’, I call that ‘U language’. ‘U language’ is ‘blame language’ and doesn’t get you what you want because you’re talking about the other person rather than what you want and need.
Using ‘I language’ is so much more helpful than ‘U language’. ‘I Language’ empowers you to take responsibility for your feelings and how you express them.
What’s the main difference?
When you use ‘I’ you are speaking about yourself and not the other person. It’s expressing how ‘you feel’, when you are talking about yourself and by not projecting judgment onto your partner, you alleviate the issue of resistance and push back from your partner. Using ‘U language or statements’ make men defensive and will make him shut down.
Magnetism murderer – generalisations!
The word ‘Always’ is a generalisation! When you say to your man “you always do this” or “you never do that” he automatically is made to be wrong and feel like he can’t do anything to make you happy.
You know the secret now; men want to be able to make you happy! So, what do you think will happen when he constantly feels like this? Man Magnet murder!
Step 1: Work out what you are feeling and clearly express those feelings.
Step 2: Don’t do a long explanation about the ‘why.’ Don’t explain, just talk about your feelings and take the time to listen to him.
Example: “I feel __________” then use an emotion.
“I feel loved when you call me” NOT “I feel like I don’t matter when you don’t bother to call.” There is a difference in the feel of the two statements even though you’re asking for the same thing!
One is an ‘I question’ and the other is a ‘U question‘. One statement is about how you feel, while the other statement is blaming him.
When you say “I feel loved when you call me” not only does he receive the feedback on how you feel but he also receives the instructions on how to make you happy.